That’s right, I’m forty now.  Here’s how I think and feel at forty.  First off, I feel forty.  In my twenties and my early thirties, I felt like I was in college.  My mental state was very much that of someone who was young and not in charge.  I don’t know, don’t ask me, I’m just a kid.  Sure I had opinions and I thought things, but I saw the world as being run by other, older people.  At some point in the past few years, I caught up to myself and here I am.

Some days I sit back and smell the roses.  I take in the sights, smells and sounds of our world and how immensely enjoyable they are…the pleasure derived from a good book, the joy of bringing about a smile, the aroma of a tasty meal, a sweaty run, chocolate, a comfy bed, a spring breeze, there are so many things to relish. I think how fortunate I am to have a really great husband and two healthy kids.  We enjoy a very priviledged life; we live in the developed world and Jamie makes a good living.  I get along well with my family and I feel loved by both them and my friends.  Life is good.

Other days life doesn’t seem so lemonadey, it’s more lemon.  The world is falling apart at the seams and it’s partly my job to try and fix it.  Sitting back and merely observing the chaos isn’t really good enough anymore.  That seems like a lot of responsibility.

My days can be mundane; my kids can drive me nuts.  I can be petty and mean.  I spend time each day wishing it was a different part of the day or a different day.  I often find myself struggling to connect and communicate with others, especially acquaintances that I’d like to turn into friends.  My butt is large, my fat rolls have grown.  My skin doesn’t look fresh and new.  The scar on my arm isn’t going away.  My teeth aren’t white.  I have a hard time living in the moment.  I could keep going, but that’s probably good enough.

But I think forty has left me more accepting of myself and my flaws, while being more inspired to work on those things that I can change.  I feel like forty is a good time to sit back at the top of the hill and take in the view.  I have been assessing and I think I’m ready for action.  Watch out world, here comes the FORTY year old Tammy!